Plot Twist: I’m the Problem
Week 2
Whew.
The thing about starting over and trying to level up your life is that a well-thought-out plan simply is not enough!
You can make the plan. Create the routine. Set the goals. Add consistency and discipline. You can seemingly have all the right ingredients and still find yourself wondering, Why am I not where I thought I’d be by now?
I’m learning that you can change your habits, your environment, your career, your body, your bank account, and your daily routine but if you bring the same mindset with you, eventually you’ll find yourself fighting the same battles in a different setting.
And lately, I’ve had to confront an uncomfortable truth:
I’m the problem.
Externally, I would consider myself a confident woman. I know I’m blessed. I know I’m talented. I know I’m beautiful. I’m athletic. I have a radiant personality and a gift of connecting with people. But even knowing all of those things, my weakest point has always been my mind.
I struggle with:
Imposter syndrome.
The fear of being seen.
Speaking kindly to myself.
Believing that I’m actually worthy of the dreams I have for my life.
And that is not easy for me to admit.
I’ve gotten pretty damn good at masking those insecurities over the years. Most people get the confident version of me. The social media personality. The life of the party. The woman who will take a risk. The woman who will make a room full of strangers laugh. And the woman who doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks.
But confidence and self-belief are not the same thing. At least not in my case.
For a long time, my inner battles were a private conversation between me, myself, and I.
Until recently.
Love Has a Funny Way of Holding Up a Mirror.
The thing about being in a relationship is that eventually, you let your guard down. My boyfriend has gotten to know the person behind the personality. The woman who needs the reassurance of a compliment to remind her that she’s beautiful. He gets to see the little girl inside who is still carrying unhealed wounds from her father. The woman who cries because she’s sick of her own shit. He’s seen the things I’ve become really good at hiding from everyone else. My relationship has exposed blind spots I’ve spent years ignoring. Not because they weren’t there, but because I wasn’t ready to confront them.
Now I am.
One of the hardest realizations has been recognizing how comfortable I’ve become with speaking negatively to myself and disguising it as “tough love.” I thought being hard on myself would make me better. I thought criticizing myself would keep me motivated. I thought constantly reminding myself of where I was falling short would somehow push me to work harder. I was trying to build my dream life while constantly tearing down the woman responsible for executing the plan.
Make that make sense?!
And yet, despite everything I just revealed:
I love myself.
That matters to me because it took me until my thirties to truly feel that way. That is progress I’m incredibly proud of. But loving myself is just the beginning. Loving yourself now means finally being willing to admit when I’m getting in my own way.
I've spent years packing my suitcase with criticism, insecurity, comparison, fear, imposter syndrome, unresolved hurt, and limiting beliefs and bringing it on every adventure. But baby, my bag is OVERWEIGHT. I cannot bring it with me in this new chapter of life.
This is the season to pack light.
If I’m serious about creating the life I wrote about in my first blog post, becoming self-reliant, building my brand, creating financial freedom, and trusting myself then a mental reset has to happen.
Because if I’m the problem, that also means I have the power to become the solution.
I want to become more cognizant of my words because they have power. I want to learn how to speak to myself with kindness. I want to develop the strength to challenge my imposter syndrome instead of automatically believing it. I want to become more psychologically secure in my gifts, my influence, my creativity, and the impact I know I’m capable of making.
This is me taking steps to allow myself to be fully seen, and if I’m honest…it’s terrifying. The vulnerability that comes with revealing parts of myself I’ve kept protected leaves me exposed. I can’t control how people will receive this or whether someone with ill intentions will choose to use it against me. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take to free myself from the mental constraints of fear I’ve been bound by.
I'm acknowledging the work that needs to be done and holding myself accountable to actually doing the work. I desire to change not because I want a certain level of successful but because I want to become the best version of myself.
I’ve realized that the life I want to build externally has to begin with the woman I'm building internally.
So, Week 2 isn't about conquering the world.
It's about conquering the voice in my own head that keeps trying to convince me that I’m not capable.
I’m done being my biggest opp.
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P.S.
I don't want Pixie Perspectives to just be a place where you read about my journey. I want it to become a place where we can learn from one another while we're figuring life out together.
What did you have to change within yourself before your life started changing around you?
